Good Game

Another night accompanied by another set of feelings, memories and thoughts all mixed together in a big messy pot that I somehow manage to call my mind. I spend my nights with friends, playing board games until the birds tell us that it is time to go to bed. “Good luck in games, bad luck in love” echoes a voice in my head, as I keep losing time after time. I don’t mind losing the games, because I know that I am loved. Loved by someone whom I love, someone who has opened herself up to me and let me in on all her fears. It’s what makes me feel safe in a world equipped with every tool necessary to crush a young person’s dreams and leave behind nothing but the awful memory of imagining what could have happened. It lets me go upright even at night, lets me take my thoughts to places I wish others could see. For what it gives I’ll take it, no matter what the cost. May it be the biggest financial debt of my entire future life or the loss of friends. I’ve set my priorities, anchored them with what I write, for after all what I write feels like it’s been tattooed onto the face of my soul. Tattoos last forever, and so will these confessions.

Sometimes I feel like a romantic at loss for words to accompany my actions, no matter how small, like there is a reason for my mouth being taped by the flood of things I could say. Those are the only moments that bring me close to what I feel when I’m close to her. It’s awe-inspiring. In another way, finally using the word correctly: it’s awesome. One night I walked back home through empty roads with street lights leaving circles of light on the ground on which my feet would tap on, sending out the loudest sound present. Earphones in my ears, I look up straight ahead and see the moon shine through clouds, yet again. Something had changed, something seemed different. Its light didn’t seem blind anymore; it was piercing, dominant and whole. It was yellow. As if to mock me yet again, just this time with that damned colour yellow. I have my stories about it, my opinion and my thoughts, but those are another book to be read to my little children one day. The moon’s light has changed. I’m not quite sure what it means, but it will lead me to some conclusion some day. Things have changed in the past few days and they will continue to change; a part of me even fantasizes about the moon being responsible for it all, that it is the force that drives it all, that it is a godlike entity with control over everything. Then again, what is one moon around one single planet in a never-ending universe of countless more?